More than ten years have passed since I decided I no longer wanted to live as a slave to food or the number on the scale. When I initially sought treatment for my struggle with anorexia and bulimia, a well-meaning doctor advised me to keep everything a secret. He said he didn't want me to be unfairly treated or gossiped about...and, now, I realize he probably also feared that other girls might interfere with my recovery by pulling me into the horrific "Pro-ana/Pro-mia" subculture (if you don't know what that is...ignorance is bliss. Trust me.) However, I chose not to take his advice because 1) I wanted to seek accountability from trusted friends and 2) I wanted to expose as much truth as I could about eating disorders to the rest of the world.
Looking back on the long months of recovery, I am so thankful for the support of my friends, teachers, and church leaders. Today, I continue to be open about my past for the same reasons. An eating disorder is not something that you are ever magically "cured" from, and I appreciate the ongoing accountability and support from my friends and family, as well as the opportunity to get out the truth about eating disorders- unlike the message portrayed by the media, there is nothing glamorous about them. Overall, people are supportive when they find out about my past- but, I have also taken a lot of remarks from well-meaning people that actually leave me feeling hurt and frustrated. As I look at societal trends regarding body image and eating habits, I know I'm not alone, so I wanted to share some of what I'm hearing and explain why it does more harm than good:
"You're too skinny! You need to gain weight!"
I want to respond to this statement with, "Too skinny for what? Too skinny to look good?" I have always been a small framed, naturally thin person. Since recovering from my eating disorder, my small size has never caused me any health issues, and I have not had any time periods where I have deliberately starved myself.
Telling someone they are too skinny is hardly any different from telling them they are too chubby! Both statements carry the same underlying message: "I don't like the way your body looks. I think you should change it."
"Have you lost weight?"
From a standpoint of etiquette, it is never appropriate to ask someone if they have lost weight unless you know they have been trying to loose it (in a healthy manner!). You might think you are offering a compliment, but, you might involuntarily be commenting on weight loss caused by illness or other serious health issues.
For someone who is recovered from an eating disorder, however, this is a no-win situation. If you say it critically (or in a too-sweet, passive-aggressive tone) it sounds as if you are accusing us of something. If you saw someone who was a recovered alcoholic laughing and having a good time, would you go over and ask them if they had been drinking? If someone had been addicted to gambling, would you casually ask if they had hit up any casinos lately? I would hope not! Why is it okay to casually go up to someone who is recovered from an eating disorder and ask if they've lost weight?
On the other hand, if you say it in a complimentary manner ("Have you lost a few pounds? You look great!"), again, you are sending us the message that you are looking at and critiquing our bodies. NOT what we need to hear!!
"You need to eat more!"
There have been a few people in my life who always felt the need to look at my plate and criticize me for not eating enough. It wasn't as if I were constantly avoiding food or eating a few pieces of lettuce every time they saw me- it was just that a normal meal for me wasn't enough by their standards. My absolute pet-peeve is when people come down on me for eating "too healthy." Eating healthy is a vital step in overcoming disordered eating- we need to recognize that food's primary purpose is to fuel our bodies, and is something to be enjoyed but not used as therapy.
If you aren't a dietitian or an extremely close friend, you probably don't know how much we need to eat to feel satisfied. Again, you are telling us that something about us (in this case, our food choices) is not good enough to meet your standards.
"I'm so fat, I look disgusting. I need to just stop eating."
If you know you are overweight and are striving to change to be healthier, that's fantastic! But, please remember, it was the lie that being fat is "disgusting" that probably triggered our disordered eating in the first place. Tell us how you're working on being healthier and how great it feels, or how you're setting a goal to get in shape, but don't carry on about how gross you are or how food is your worst enemy.
"I used to be thin like you, when I was your age."
In my ten years of recovery, there have been two 48ish-hour periods where my fear of calories have come back with a vengeance, and I have found myself struggling to eat full meals. Both of these times, it was triggered by a person who was overweight telling me they used to be my size and "enjoy being skinny while it lasts."
Newsflash: there are rare health issues that can cause a person to loose control of their weight, but, chances are we are not "destined" to become overweight someday. To those of you who are struggling with being overweight: I'm sorry, I'm sure it's frustrating and embarrassing, but, PLEASE, know that I'm not judging you, I don't think I'm better than you because I'm thin, and it is NOT fair for you to try to push your insecurity on me by making me think I have to either stop eating or end up having the same problems some day!
If you are genuinely concerned that we might be slipping, either into self-starvation, binge-and-purge cycles, or even compulsive overeating, take us aside and gently express your concern. Watch for ongoing patterns, not one-time incidents. If we are seriously struggling, know that you are NOT going to fix the problem; we need a health-care professional and/or licensed counselor. Most of all, please remember that when someone is struggling with/recovering from an eating disorder or any other addiction, we need people who will support us through authenticity, and through speaking truth in love!
